


secrets I have held in my heart (are harder to hide than I thought)

by evilswampwitch



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: 7x13 rewrite, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Typical Violence, F/M, Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:41:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26748232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilswampwitch/pseuds/evilswampwitch
Summary: So I decided to rewrite the scene that we shall never speak of, and it starts off the same but don’t worry it has a happy ending this time. I’m still grieving the loss of what the finale could have been and writing this healed me a little bit, and I hope it does the same for you.  Let’s just all collectively pretend this is how that last scene in 7x14 went down.P.s this is the first fic I’ve written since middle school, so let me know what you think. I would love to hear what you liked and what could have been better!P.p.s special shout out to memoriesoflastwords on tumblr for the beta!
Relationships: Bellamy Blake & Clarke Griffin, Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 53





	secrets I have held in my heart (are harder to hide than I thought)

Clarke watches in horror as Bellamy picks up Madi’s sketchbook and begins to flip through the pages. 

Her heart stops and drops to her stomach in an instant. The world tilts on its axis and for the first time in her life, Clarke doesn’t know what she has to do. Clarke always knows what she has to do, it’s kind of her thing. Regardless of how utterly impossible the situation at hand seems, Clarke always knows what she has to do. She’s made countless life or death decisions in her lifetime, enough for a thousand lifetimes. But for the first time in this life, she doesn’t know what to do.

In another universe, the sight of Bellamy holding Madi’s sketchbook wouldn’t fill her with this kind of dread. She trusted him completely. He had proven himself to her trustworthy a thousand times over and she trusted him. Bellamy may have made some questionable decisions in the past, but his heart was usually in the right place. But something big happened to him, and Clarke can’t explain it. She doesn’t understand. They’ve always seen eye to eye on everything. Well, most everything. They always worked it out in the end. And now suddenly, they’re on opposing sides. It doesn’t make any sense. What happened to you in that cave? Clarke wonders. She wishes to God she knew. So she could understand why her best friend, the man she trusted and loved, would betray her this way. 

But Clarke is losing hope fast, this isn’t the Bellamy Blake she knows. This isn’t the Bellamy Blake she loved. 

“Bellamy, give it to me,” She draws her weapon, pointing it at the disciples stationed around the room. “Now,” she commands, her heart racing. “Or I’ll kill them all. You know I will,” she warns. 

“Clarke, Madi isn’t in danger. I’ll make sure of that,” Bellamy’s own eyes are beginning to fill with tears as he pleads with her. It’s strange, she thinks, he still sounds like the Bellamy she knows. She wants to believe him, but she can’t. She wants to holster her gun and walk into the anomaly, but she can’t. Just as Bellamy knows Clarke would kill everyone in that room to save Madi, Clarke knows Bellamy will do what he believes is right and give the notebook to Cadogan. And he does believe this is right, he proved that when he gave Clarke up to Cadogan. She wants to believe that he would keep Madi safe, but she can’t. She doesn’t trust him. Not anymore. 

“They will kill her to get what they want, and you know it,” she spits at him. “I won’t let that happen.” Bellamy shakes his head and for the first time, Clarke can see the pain he’s in. He’s anguished. 

“I am trying to save us all, Clarke.” His voice starts to break as more tears fill his eyes. He’s desperate for her to understand. 

“I’ll kill Cadogan.” she warns, her voice getting more ragged, more desperate herself. “Is that what you want?” Clarke shoots a disciple without hesitation and looks to Bellamy to see his reaction. He isn’t surprised. 

“This isn’t about Cadogan! It’s bigger than any of us.” Bellamy is begging her to understand. They’ve always understood each other, even when they didn’t agree. It would be their luck that now, at the end of all things, when it counts more than ever, they can’t see eye to eye. Clarke thinks she sees something in Bellamy’s eyes. Hope, maybe? Hope that she might still trust him enough to believe in what he’s saying? How could he expect her to give up Madi to what? Become a beam of light in the best case scenario, and a crystal giant in the worst?

She points the gun at Bellamy. 

“Don’t make me do this,” Clarke feels like her heart is breaking in two. Her eyes fill with tears and anguish. What am I supposed to do? She wonders. Her resolve starts to crumble as she grows more aware of the decision she will have to make. Decisions like this are easy for her to make, normally. But this is Bellamy, her Bellamy. The Bellamy she talked to every day on the radio. The Bellamy who wouldn’t let her pull that lever in Mount Weather by herself. The Bellamy who forgave her for leaving him in the fighting pits. The Bellamy she loved.

No, the Bellamy she loves. Present tense, she realizes. She does still love him, despite the choices he’s made lately. The full weight of this realization hits her like a ton of bricks. She’s never admitted that to anyone but herself, that she loves him. But of course she does, she’s always known that. It was just never the right time or place to tell him. She always knew that he loved her, too. It was always an unspoken thing between them. They were partners in everything. They’d saved each other’s lives countless times. She was just waiting for a time when everything would be settled and no life or death decisions had to be made. When they would have time for lazy mornings in bed and late nights by a fire. Time to settle down and make a home for Madi. Maybe even have a child of their own. That time just hasn’t come yet, and Clarke is starting to wonder if it ever will. 

“You’re not gonna shoot me, Clarke,” his voice is almost a whisper. Clarke can hear the pain in his voice. The last time she pointed a gun at him, she couldn’t pull the trigger. Even though the entirety of the human race hung in the balance. She chose him over everyone and everything, quite literally. But this is different. This is Madi. Madi is her family now, she was there for 6 years when Bellamy and the others weren’t. “The bridge will close. You should go.”

“Not without that book,” Clarke’s voice is starting to shake, she’s given up on hiding her emotions and is now letting them hit her full force. She’s tired of being strong. 

“Look at yourself! What you feel right now, the need to protect someone you love so badly, you’re willing to kill your closest friend!” Bellamy is getting desperate too, she can hear it in his voice. “Someone you trust. Who’s telling you that the fate of the entire human race is at stake!” So much for living an emotionless life. Bellamy is, and always has been, filled to the brim with emotion. That’s why he’s the heart. His emotions drive him, they always have. It’s something she’s always loved and admired about him. She shakes her head as if trying to shake the thoughts from her brain, and a few large tears fall down her cheek. But she still points the gun at Bellamy. 

“All that suffering can end. Madi is suffering, too.” The mention of Madi sobers Clarke. Something breaks in her. She realizes in that moment, she has one more move. 

Tears fill her eyes and her shoulders begin to shake. This is it. This is the ultimate life or death choice. She doesn’t want to kill Bellamy but this isn’t her Bellamy. But her Bellamy is still in there, she can hear it in his voice. He’s pretty far gone, but not too far gone. If there is one thing Clarke knows about Bellamy with absolute certainty, it’s that he feels emotions more deeply than others. All the pain and joy one might experience, Bellamy feels it on a bigger scale. He has a big heart. And for a long time, that heart belonged to her. It was unspoken, but she knew that he belonged to her just as she belonged to him. 

She takes a deep breath and realizes what she has to do. 

Clarke points the gun at her own head, and looks Bellamy directly in the eye.

Bellamy’s eyes widen and his jaw drops. He did not see that coming. “Clarke, what are you doing?” disbelief in his voice. 

“What I have to do!” She yells, begging him to see the gravity of the situation. 

“I can’t lose her. I can’t. I won’t. I’ve already lost you and if I lose her too, I don't know-”

He cuts her off “You didn’t lose me Clarke, I’m right here! I’m still trying to save us!”

She’s still pointing the gun at her head, tears now freely flowing down her cheeks as she shakes her head. 

“Yes I did! Look at yourself, Bellamy. I don’t even recognize you anymore,” disgust dripping from every word.

“Clarke-”

She cuts him off, “I love you, you know that right?” hopelessness and a little bit of aggravation tinged her words and it broke Bellamy’s heart a little bit. 

Tears are now streaming down Bellamy’s cheeks. He’s staring at her with wide eyes filled with tears and years of anguish. 

“I never told you,” she states plainly. “I was waiting on the right time, when I could tell you without fear that one of us could die at any moment, when we could enjoy our time together, but I’m starting to realize that that time isn’t going to come and, I just...thought you should know that,” she finishes, her voice softening. She looks down at her feet and back up to Bellamy. 

Bellamy looks completely shattered, but he’s staring at her with something in his eyes that she doesn’t recognize. “Clarke-”

She cuts him off again, “The way I see it, this goes down one of two ways,” she takes a breath to steady herself, gun still aimed at her temple, “either you get the book and Cadogan gets Madi and I’ve lost you both,” she pauses, letting that sink in. “Or I kill you now and regret it for the rest of my life, Cadogan still gets the book, and I’ve still lost you both. I can’t bear it any more Bellamy, I can’t. I’m done making decisions for the human race. There is more to life than surviving. If I lose you both-” something hits her on the back of the head. Everything goes black and she’s knocked unconscious. The last thing she saw was Bellamy’s face, eyes wild. Petrified. 

Her gun flies out of her hand at impact and slides over to where Bellamy is standing. The room starts to spin and Bellamy can’t think straight. Clarke loves him. Clarke loves him. Deep down, he knew it already, but she told him. It’s real. He reaches down and gingerly grabs the gun at his feet. It’s still warm from Clarke’s hand. He looks up to see Cadogan where Clarke was just standing. Bellamy glances to the ground where Clarke’s body lay. She’s unconscious but still breathing, he notes. 

Bellamy feels the weight of the gun in his hand and his mind won’t stop racing. All he can hear is Clarke’s confession on a loop in his head. Everything feels different now, he feels dirty and wrong and so, so lost. 

“Good work, Bellamy,” Cadogan says, clapping Bellamy on the shoulder. “I knew you would do the right thing.” 

Bellamy’s stomach lurches. The right thing. What does that even mean? Right and wrong, how can you tell the difference? Everyone thinks they’re doing the right thing. Is there even a definite ‘right’ choice here?

Bellamy hands are to his side, clutching Clarke’s gun, and he realizes what he has to do. 

He aims the gun at Cadogan’s head. In an instant, the remaining Disciples in the room raise their weapon and aim them directly at Bellamy.

Cadogan holds his hands up in defense, “Come now, Bellamy. There is no need for hostility. We are closer to the final war than we’ve ever been. Soon, none of this will matter anymore,” he gestures around the room. “Now, give me the book. We’ve won.” Cadogan smiles peacefully. Bellamy wonders how he ever believed in this man. 

This man who says that emotions and love and attachment are human’s weaknesses. That they should love no one. The logic behind it made sense to Bellamy sometimes. When he remembers the people who have died in the name of protecting those he loves. The mistakes he’s made trying to save his people. Trying to save Clarke. 

“I can’t give this to you,” Bellamy surprises himself with how steady his voice sounds. He sounds sure, confident. 

“Bellamy, give it to me. Now. You know what’s at stake here,” Cadogan says, evenly. 

“You’re right, I do know what’s at stake here. And I’m sorry, my shepherd, but no.” There is a hint of mirth in his voice. 

Clarke begins to stir, but doesn’t move. Her eyes blink open and she sees Bellamy, who still has his gun aimed at Cadogan. Bellamy looks at her and they lock eyes for a moment. He looks back to Cadogan quickly to avoid drawing attention to her. No one notices she’s awake but him. She nods, imperceptibly and stands after a moment. Half of the disciples’ guns remain on Bellamy while the other half switch back to Clarke. 

Cadogan nods in the direction of the men aiming their guns at Bellamy and Clarke.

“Please, give us some privacy,” Bill commands. 

“My shepherd-” one begins.

“Go. We will be just fine in here, won’t we?” Bellamy doesn’t move. What is Cadogan trying to do here? Cadogan is never armed, he has his disciples for that. What is his move? 

The disciples slowly filter out of the room, unsure. 

“Now,” he pauses, “can we put the gun down and discuss this before you do something foolish, Bellamy?” Cadogan nods at the gun, but Bellamy doesn’t move. He’s made up his mind. Maybe Cadogan thinks he can sway him. But now that Clarke loves him, everything has changed for Bellamy. He won’t be swayed. Now that he knows Clarke loves him, he cannot imagine living a life without love. Without Clarke. A whole world of possibilities has just opened up to him and all he has to do is walk through the door. Clarke is staring at Bellamy in pure shock and awe at the realization he’s aiming the gun at Cadogan and not her. Their eyes meet once more and everything shifts into place for him. 

“You’re wrong.” Bellamy states blankly, still aiming the cocked gun at the man’s head, not willing to break eye contact with Clarke just yet. 

Cadogan raises an eyebrow in question, “I’m wrong? About what, may I ask?”

Bellamy still hasn’t broken eye contact with Clarke when he says, “Love isn’t our greatest weakness. Love is our greatest strength. There are more important things than surviving.”

The passion and conviction in his voice makes Clarke’s breath catch in her throat, and she can hear her heart pounding in her chest. 

Finally Bellamy looks away from Clarke to see Cadogan standing with his arms now to his side, and a smirk on his face. 

“And what about transcendence? You’re just going to, what? Throw caution to the wind and hope for the best?” 

Bellamy smiles at him, “No.” 

“No?” Cadogan cocks his head to the side in question. 

“We’ll figure it out,” he turns to Clarke, “together.”

“We always do,” Clarke adds, more for Bellamy than Cadogan.

Bellamy turns again to face Cadogan. Bill. The Shepherd. He finally sees this man for what he is. A sad, lonely, old man, who has betrayed and all but killed everyone who has ever cared about him. A man on a misguided mission. A cult leader. Shame rises up in his throat as he wonders how he could have ever believed in him more than his friends. 

In an instant and without hesitation, Bellamy pulls the trigger and Cadogan falls to the ground, dead. Bellamy expects some grief or regret to follow after taking a life, even Cadogan’s, but it doesn’t come. Instead, he sees Clarke rushing over to him, tears still streaming down her face. She wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him close, hugging him just like that day outside of the dropship. He wraps his arms around her body, after slipping the gun into his holster, and buries his face in the crook of her neck. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke” he whispers into her hair. 

She pulls back just enough to look him in the eye. She doesn’t say anything, but the look she gives him says everything. Forgiveness. They stare into each other’s eyes for a moment, letting their breath mingle in the small space between them. Neither one of them wanted to move and break the spell. His hand brushes a piece of her hair behind her ear and rests on her cheek. A tear spills from Clarke’s eye and Bellamy uses his thumb to wipe it away. 

“I’m so proud of you, Bellamy.” She’s smiling up at him and she loves him.

“I love you, too. By the way. ” he whispers. 

Slowly, Clarke closes the distance between them and their lips meet in a soft, tender kiss. It’s chaste, only a few seconds long, but it’s perfect. Bellamy pulls back to see her face again. The second their eyes lock, he can’t help but pull her to him for one more kiss, this one a little more desperate, a little more passionate. Clarkes hands fly up to cup Bellamy’s face, while Bellamy keeps one hand on her cheek and one in her hair. Years of longing and heartbreak leaving their bodies, and relief and love replacing it. It’s Clarke that pulls back first to look at him. 

“I love you, Bellamy.”

“I love you, Clarke.”

“So, what do we do now?” she asks, voice still breathy from their kiss, a smile on her lips. 

“What we always do. Fight our way out, save our friends, and then the rest of the world.” He says with a cocky grin and a nonchalant tone, as if it's the most obvious answer in the world. There’s her Bellamy. 

“Together?” Clarke asks.

“Together.” Bellamy smiles. 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Well, thanks for reading guys! Let me know what you think!
> 
> Also I don’t own any of the characters or the show and all of that business


End file.
